so many octobers

Hello,

Do you ever think about the magic of October? Change and feeling, nostalgia and hope — silky sentiments that ensnare the senses in their entirety until we come to associate both laughter and tears with the smell of burnt chestnuts.

I do. Sometimes it feels like every monumental thing that has ever happened to me happened in October because, in my mind, October swells far beyond the margins of a month.

In fact, as you may have noticed, it’s still September. But this week, the temperature dropped, and that alone was enough for my body to shudder and remember, ‘Ah, it’s October once more.’

A short pandemic anecdote: We were bemoaning the loss of our senior-year Halloween weekend, a final ghoulish bacchanalia. But as we drove back from Waco, Devika settled on this reassurance – ‘You will have so many more Octobers.’

Autumn is more the season of the soul than of nature, and I believe that Octobers exist to remind us that living is good and bad and nothing at all. For me, this phrase serves as a rallying cry to the endless work of continuing and a forewarning that you are always going to change.

The magic is contained within that first wind chill when I leave my apartment, and I’m compelled to look to the limestone sky and breathe in deep enough to swallow the world. October tells me about how life bends towards us every day. That people in passing are little centuries. That every you is another wormhole. That memories erode, but emotions linger beyond expiration.

Since the cold came on Sunday, I’ve been dogged by a nebulous dread. Something big is going to happen, bigger than me. The universe nips at my heels, warning me that I’m not ready yet. A sneak peak to regret — it might not hurt now, but it’s going to hurt soon.

I don’t know what this October will have in store for you or for me, but don’t worry — you will have so many more Octobers.

Siddhartha by Herman Hesse

It’s about spirituality and finding a place in life and the world. Mostly, this is just the book that I bought in New York City during an October two years ago. Also it was recommended to me by an ex, and I’m a little stunned by the fact that, upon reflection, two of my relationships both started and ended in Octobers. Gotta applaud me for the consistency. It’s very possible that this contributes to my veneration of the month.

How often do you think about October? Is there another month or season that makes you feel this way?

As always, I hope the universe remembers to treat you with gentle hands,
Jessie